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sex, drugs, and saving lives

air goes in and out, blood goes round and round; any variation on this is bad.

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cashews and sour keys
wrin
So, an update.

Things are most decidedly surreal at my house. Some people I don't even know (Danica?) has sent out a mass e-mail to people I didn't think to inform, and I don't even have her contact information so that I can tell her when the funeral will be, when we can decide on when a funeral will be.

I think we have to phone NAIT on Tuesday and yell at them about refunding my brother's tuition so that we can use the money to pay for his funeral. And someone has to go down to Campus Reads and Needs and return his textbooks and shit but I don't know where he put them all.

Things are kind of manic at my house. It hasn't even been twenty four hours since his death. Not even twenty four hours since I had a brother.

I haven't seen anything in the news and I wish I had.

Thank you so much to everyone who contacted me or my family and who had the good grace to offer their condolences and favours. I am in a strange place right now; I've had to spend a good portion of my day in my brother's room, where everything smells and feels like him.

And there's all this stuff of his that I would hate to just throw away, but who wants to wear a dead boy's Parasuco jeans?
I've done a lot of bawling and so has The Brad, to his credit he has been the biggest support system I could have asked for at this particular point in time.

Everything is still really strange and I'm being kind of clingy-sobby, but I don't think somehow that that's an un-allowable thing.

Today's Random List Of Random Things That Bother Me:

1. The fact that the cellular phone company will probably charge us a billionty dollars to cancel his cell phone contract.
2. That if I were to friendslock my entire livejournal, I'd have to cut Sylv out of every single post at the same time.
3. That Sylv didn't know who I was fucking talking about when the russian dude from Brooklyn who has never seen my brother in real life, knew who I was talking about.
4. A and W patrons who stared at me while I cried.
5. I'm caught between respecting my brother's privacy and deleting all his photos and chat logs and mp3s and formatting his laptop, and trying to find out as much as I could about a brother I hardly knew by snooping through his shit.

I'm leaning towards the former.
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Hi Nicole,
Big Hug, I heard the news this morning and I am just in a state of shock. I wish I was in Canada so I could be around, I'm so sorry, so sorry.
If there is anything I can do, please please let me know.
Dan

I would suggest, when you do go through his stuff, anything you don't keep you give to charity (like his clothes, specifically). I have no clue what parasuco jeans are (I'm guessing the term "brand name") but there are plenty of people out there who would be happy just to have a pair of jeans.

I am thinking that some of his stuff I'll give away, and his clothes might end up going to charity. I somehow hate the idea of him having spent $200 on a pair of jeans that are going to goodwill to be sold for $30, but that's my scottish half coming through.

I don't know. I'm not sure. Who knows? You'll do what you do.

I'm sorry I didn't get you before when you were probably getting sympathy from everyone - couldn't get on the comp at all yesterday, so here's some belated hugs. *HUGS* I know they're the lame cyber variety, but that's all I can do from over here :(

Mmm. Well, I was going to write something on #3, but I'll leave it with the fact that I checked with Dan before I said anything.

Meanwhile, #5 is something I've always been concerned with, regarding my own death. Especially in an accidental case like this one, I don't think you should go through his stuff. Our computers hold things that we consider very private and don't want ANYONE to see, even if they have the best of intentions. I wouldn't want anyone ever looking through my stuff if, god forbid, something happened to me. Even if it doesn't change their opinion of me (but especially if it does), and even if i don't have anything violently personal (which I do, plenty of it), I just wouldn't want people to find anything out about me in that way. Perhaps your brother thought differently...but that's just what I think about it. To me, privacy is privacy...life or death.

I already have some ground rules, like no reading his e-mail or msn chat logs.

I think I'll keep the pictures, like the ones of him on his motorbike and the pictures of him at Grad that he invariably has on his computer.

*HUG**HUG**HUG*

hurricane kinda delayed my response.

Man I forgot all about that

I want to say something long that will make it better but I know nothing will so I offer more HUGS and Prayers and the assurance of my Assistance for anything.

I know as much as this sounds very "blonde-haired, blue-eyed Mormon" I am still praying for you and your family. Hope you make the decisions that you need to.

You know it's all in fun and I appreciate the gesture anyhow.

Thank you very much for your kind support and kind thoughts.

I know it's all in fun. And, I knew that you would appreciate the gesture. If there is anything I can do from measly Denver, just let me know.

Nicole, it'a Ali and i just heard from mom. I am sorry you and your family have to go through this. I may not have always been there but i am now. You are my friend and i remember the dumb conversations your bother and i would have when i called you and he wouldn't give you the phone. I realize everyone has said this but I am here to help you with what ever you need i am not in school and I can be anywhere you need. Love you Cole you can call me anytime youneed. 907-5289
~Ali

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